Post by .Rabid Lycan. on Jul 2, 2008 23:39:47 GMT -5
This is for Mudfang ONLY.
Please, I don't want anyone else to read this.... it's more personal:
I was originally going to email this to you... but I didn't know whether I should.
Mudfang,
If you decide to ignore this message, then so be it. It is your decision; I wouldn’t want to be responsible for holding you down and force-feeding my perspectives into your newly freed mind.
If you decide to continue reading- and I hope you will- then I must ask you to excuse any bitterness that may appear throughout my message. I assure you that it is not my intention to sound that way, but it is a hard message to convey… and it is late. My mind will often fail me at this hour… especially when sleep is something that I am deprived, as of late.
Hmm… lack of sleep. I shall branch from there.
In the past week, I have been victim to insomnia-like symptoms. I have had no more than five hours of sleep per day, with or without those sleep-inducing, pain-reducing pills.
I do not know why.
Sure enough, my constant headaches keep me up on occasion. In fact, five nights ago I found myself up at four in the morning, sweating and shivering on the bathroom tile… my migraine making me want my skull to implode.
But that couldn’t have kept me awake for all these nights.
Stress, I have read, is the prime cause of such acute insomnia- but I feel only calm as of now. When you finalized your leave, I was calm. At night- when my mind viciously picks at stupid errors of judgment or manner of my being in a near-successful attempt to keep me awake- I do not weep nor find myself distraught.
So, I ask myself, why can’t I sleep?
I still do not know. Maybe, when I begin to sleep for more than five hours a day, I will discover my answer. But for now, I still find myself pacing at 3 am, thinking of things…
Other times this has happened, I pick on meaningless errors that I’ve made in the past. But during the last few days, I’ve set aside the ordinary thoughts for an internal conversation worth thinking about: this very letter that I am currently typing for you to read.
At first, I confess, that I considered copying the other members. That I should be angry at you for causing emotional hurt, and that I should say that I hate you. Prove you wrong and such.
But I know as well as they do that those are just lies- they couldn’t hate you. But they don’t want to be hurt- neither do I. And neither do you, I assume.
It was strange, getting such a message on my birthday. I stared at the screen for a while, wondering if this was the true moment that my very good friend had left the site. But I adorned my mask and went on with the day, only relieved later to find that you had ‘returned’.
That night, while listening to my younger cousin breathe in her sleep- it is very calming-, I came to a realization that this would not last. I knew my lesson well from Azari, who attempted to stay with a new life… but failed.
I found myself proven correct days later, when you left the site a final time. I read your message many times, but did not cry. I expected it, I suppose… I had given up the hope that I had cherished and held on to throughout this entire year: that trying to be a good friend would make people stay.
I guess I failed in that. I’m sorry.
It used to work so well before- to cheer people up with pictures and laughs and memories… and to show them that they could see the good in life if they held on and kept going…
But you left.
I failed you.
After that, Siveria and I talked for a bit- not through private messaging, but email this time. We exchanged thoughts and such… brightening things up a little at a time…
A few days after the first email, we were in a discussion of our dreams.
Our nightmares.
And, while I was thinking about my nightmares, I was suddenly reminded of what you said in your goodbye… that we made you a pessimist. Killed your joy.
That’s where the anger- the anger that I eventually forced away- came from: the mention that we killed your joy. But it only serves as evidence to how I failed you as a friend… and I suppose that’s why I’m not ‘mad’ like the others are.
Well, whatever I did to kill your joy, I suppose I owe you an apology. If I hurt you that much- enough to make you leave and never return- than you deserve an apology.
I’m sorry.
And now I’m left to make a little request… if you will allow me.
On July 3, 2008- I am sure that you are aware of the anniversary- I ask you to glance at the site. Just a five second glance is all I need. Direct your eyes to the general board, and read a thread started by me on that very day.
It will have a lot of drawings in the thread.
I’d like you to find your name and look at what is there…
And that is it.
No, this isn’t some futile attempt to get you to come back. I’m far past the stage of begging by now. I just want you to glance a final time before you turn away and disappear.
Keep in mind that this is an optional request- by all means, ignore it completely and carry on with your life- but it would mean a lot to me if you would.
And now I am reminded that I never had the chance to wish you farewell… to tell you goodbye.
I’ve never liked the word ‘goodbye’. It is exchanged when people depart and never see each other again, like fading into a fog at sea. You say it to your friend, who moves and is suddenly gone forever. You say it to your high school boyfriend with tears in your eyes, and he, too, will fade into oblivion.
It is truly strange, though, that this simple word- ‘goodbye’- is also so commonly used and easily dismissed. You say it over your shoulder at mother when you go out with friends. You say it when you leave school to be picked up by your parents.
So strange… how one word could have so many different meanings… so expected and not unordinary in one instance, and heartbreaking in another.
Thus, I find myself remembering an old favorite of mine- the Sixth Sense, if you will recall the movie (I know that you’ve watched it- you said so yourself). Towards the end of the film, I distinctly remember Cole telling Dr. Malcolm that “maybe we could pretend that we’re going to see each other tomorrow”, or something along those lines (as I’ve already said, it is late and my memory is hazy).
Before- under different circumstances- I would have followed Cole’s advice. I would like to end this little letter with a small grin and a “see you tomorrow” or something or other.
But I’m afraid I’d be cheating myself out of some truth.
So I’ve finally decided to tell you the word I despise: ‘goodbye’. You were a great friend, and- as you said in your fabulous birthday gift- you aren’t dead. I shan’t treat you that way.
Hmm… and now I find myself sounding bitter. I apologize.
But if you decide to agree, my optional request still remains.
If not… well, then ta-ta for now.
Sincerely,
Wolfie
P.S.
You once told me that you would always be my friend, even if we never saw each other again…
I hope that offer still stands.
Happy Anniversary.
Please, I don't want anyone else to read this.... it's more personal:
I was originally going to email this to you... but I didn't know whether I should.
Mudfang,
If you decide to ignore this message, then so be it. It is your decision; I wouldn’t want to be responsible for holding you down and force-feeding my perspectives into your newly freed mind.
If you decide to continue reading- and I hope you will- then I must ask you to excuse any bitterness that may appear throughout my message. I assure you that it is not my intention to sound that way, but it is a hard message to convey… and it is late. My mind will often fail me at this hour… especially when sleep is something that I am deprived, as of late.
Hmm… lack of sleep. I shall branch from there.
In the past week, I have been victim to insomnia-like symptoms. I have had no more than five hours of sleep per day, with or without those sleep-inducing, pain-reducing pills.
I do not know why.
Sure enough, my constant headaches keep me up on occasion. In fact, five nights ago I found myself up at four in the morning, sweating and shivering on the bathroom tile… my migraine making me want my skull to implode.
But that couldn’t have kept me awake for all these nights.
Stress, I have read, is the prime cause of such acute insomnia- but I feel only calm as of now. When you finalized your leave, I was calm. At night- when my mind viciously picks at stupid errors of judgment or manner of my being in a near-successful attempt to keep me awake- I do not weep nor find myself distraught.
So, I ask myself, why can’t I sleep?
I still do not know. Maybe, when I begin to sleep for more than five hours a day, I will discover my answer. But for now, I still find myself pacing at 3 am, thinking of things…
Other times this has happened, I pick on meaningless errors that I’ve made in the past. But during the last few days, I’ve set aside the ordinary thoughts for an internal conversation worth thinking about: this very letter that I am currently typing for you to read.
At first, I confess, that I considered copying the other members. That I should be angry at you for causing emotional hurt, and that I should say that I hate you. Prove you wrong and such.
But I know as well as they do that those are just lies- they couldn’t hate you. But they don’t want to be hurt- neither do I. And neither do you, I assume.
It was strange, getting such a message on my birthday. I stared at the screen for a while, wondering if this was the true moment that my very good friend had left the site. But I adorned my mask and went on with the day, only relieved later to find that you had ‘returned’.
That night, while listening to my younger cousin breathe in her sleep- it is very calming-, I came to a realization that this would not last. I knew my lesson well from Azari, who attempted to stay with a new life… but failed.
I found myself proven correct days later, when you left the site a final time. I read your message many times, but did not cry. I expected it, I suppose… I had given up the hope that I had cherished and held on to throughout this entire year: that trying to be a good friend would make people stay.
I guess I failed in that. I’m sorry.
It used to work so well before- to cheer people up with pictures and laughs and memories… and to show them that they could see the good in life if they held on and kept going…
But you left.
I failed you.
After that, Siveria and I talked for a bit- not through private messaging, but email this time. We exchanged thoughts and such… brightening things up a little at a time…
A few days after the first email, we were in a discussion of our dreams.
Our nightmares.
And, while I was thinking about my nightmares, I was suddenly reminded of what you said in your goodbye… that we made you a pessimist. Killed your joy.
That’s where the anger- the anger that I eventually forced away- came from: the mention that we killed your joy. But it only serves as evidence to how I failed you as a friend… and I suppose that’s why I’m not ‘mad’ like the others are.
Well, whatever I did to kill your joy, I suppose I owe you an apology. If I hurt you that much- enough to make you leave and never return- than you deserve an apology.
I’m sorry.
And now I’m left to make a little request… if you will allow me.
On July 3, 2008- I am sure that you are aware of the anniversary- I ask you to glance at the site. Just a five second glance is all I need. Direct your eyes to the general board, and read a thread started by me on that very day.
It will have a lot of drawings in the thread.
I’d like you to find your name and look at what is there…
And that is it.
No, this isn’t some futile attempt to get you to come back. I’m far past the stage of begging by now. I just want you to glance a final time before you turn away and disappear.
Keep in mind that this is an optional request- by all means, ignore it completely and carry on with your life- but it would mean a lot to me if you would.
And now I am reminded that I never had the chance to wish you farewell… to tell you goodbye.
I’ve never liked the word ‘goodbye’. It is exchanged when people depart and never see each other again, like fading into a fog at sea. You say it to your friend, who moves and is suddenly gone forever. You say it to your high school boyfriend with tears in your eyes, and he, too, will fade into oblivion.
It is truly strange, though, that this simple word- ‘goodbye’- is also so commonly used and easily dismissed. You say it over your shoulder at mother when you go out with friends. You say it when you leave school to be picked up by your parents.
So strange… how one word could have so many different meanings… so expected and not unordinary in one instance, and heartbreaking in another.
Thus, I find myself remembering an old favorite of mine- the Sixth Sense, if you will recall the movie (I know that you’ve watched it- you said so yourself). Towards the end of the film, I distinctly remember Cole telling Dr. Malcolm that “maybe we could pretend that we’re going to see each other tomorrow”, or something along those lines (as I’ve already said, it is late and my memory is hazy).
Before- under different circumstances- I would have followed Cole’s advice. I would like to end this little letter with a small grin and a “see you tomorrow” or something or other.
But I’m afraid I’d be cheating myself out of some truth.
So I’ve finally decided to tell you the word I despise: ‘goodbye’. You were a great friend, and- as you said in your fabulous birthday gift- you aren’t dead. I shan’t treat you that way.
Hmm… and now I find myself sounding bitter. I apologize.
But if you decide to agree, my optional request still remains.
If not… well, then ta-ta for now.
Sincerely,
Wolfie
P.S.
You once told me that you would always be my friend, even if we never saw each other again…
I hope that offer still stands.
Happy Anniversary.
"My name is Percy Jackson, and I am INVINCIBLE!!"
