Life of a Lonely Man

[Sivoncé™]

Lonley, I'm so LONELY! I have nobodyyy! I'M ALL ON MY OWN!

Death smacked his stereo angrily.
I can get a girl anytime I want! I'm a reaaaall lady charmer...
"OOH SHE TXTED ME BACK!"
He eagerly opened the txt message from Mesopotamia. She was his latest blind date experience.
"Srry hun I think ur gay n u just dnt knw it yet. it's ok but rele come outta the closet already n dont be wastin mah time like tht."
Furiously, he txted back.
"Okay, "hun", haven't u ever heard of my epic romance with slash? Yeah, it ended badly, but it was rele happenin for a while, dude, she was all over this hot stuff! and ya know, i even had this other chick going at me at the same time!"
Death *facedesked*. And then, he began typing away at his newest attempt on eHarmony.

NAME: Death
GENDER: male

1. How important is your match's age?
Umm, VERY, I don't want some OLD chick...

2.Current Marital Status?
Divorced....it just didn't work out...

3. Highest Level of Education?
Well...um...I was like ruler of a pack once...

4.How important is your match's education?
Well I don't want some STUPID chick...

5. What is your personal income?
I've got big bucks cause I own the hottest club around, CHYA!

6. How important is your match's income?
Don't really care...

7. Describe your occupation
Bartender, priest, ladies' man, former megolomanica, former ruler of the universe, bringer of flames and hell, anakin look-alike, jedi warrior/traitor

8. How tall are you?
Hell if I know!

9. How important is your match's height?
I don't fleepin care!

10. What is your ethnicity?
Blood Mist, technically...

11. What ethnicities are you willing to accept as a match?
WTF? Racists!

12. How important is your match's ethnicity?
R A C I S T !

Out of the following, select either not at all, somewhat, or very well as far as how they describe you:
13. Stylish: in a ruggedly handsome way...
14. Attractive: hellz to the yeah!
15. Athletic: Er...sorta
16. Overweight: hellz to the NO
17. Plain: I'm sophisticated!
18. Healthy: ....sure?
19. Sexy: You KNOW it!

20. How satisfied are you with your physical appearence:
I know I'm hot stuff!

21. How important is it to you that your partner be physically attractive?
I guess looks aren't everything, but it couldn't hurt

22. What is you religion?
Um....I'm a total Zoroastrian. No, not really...

23. How important is your match's religion to you?
Don't care....so long as they aren't a fricken extremist...

24. I do things according to plan.
No, not really at all...

25. I take time out for others:
What do you think I'm doin now, suga?

26. I feel unable to deal with things.
What THINGS?

27. I love to help others.
Well LOVE isn't exactly the right word...

28. I love adventure.
Hella YEAH!

29. I often leave a mess in my room.
Well...do't judge! That's wrong!

30. I often take a conversation to a higher level.
The converstion only gets cookin' in I'M there...

31. I get stressed out easily.
nahhh not at all!

32. I often make others feel good.
I'm a bartender -- of COURSE!

Death curiously flipped through the next few pages of questions.

33. I'm good at analyzing problems.

34. I stand up for myself.

35. I can handle a lot of information.

36. I waste my time.

37. I catch on to things quickly.

38. I usually let others lead the way.

39. I love order and regularity.

40. I often do nice things for people.

41. I get angry easily.

42. Warm.

43. Clever.

44. Ambitious.

45. Outgoing.

46. Dominant.

47. Agreeable.

48 Submissive.

49. Introverted

50. Aloof

51. Quarrelsome

52. Cold

53. Stable.

54. Energetic.

55. Spiritual

56. Adventuresome

57. Frugal

58. Predictable

59. Intelligent

60. Affectionate

61. Compassionate

62. Attractive

63. Loyal

65. Witty

66. Content

67. Spontaneous

68. Sensitive

69. Under-Acheiver

70. Generous

71. Moral

72. Adaptive.

73. Communicative

74. Honest

75. Sensual

76. Liberal

77. Patient

78. Resilient

79. Optimistic

80. Conservative

81. Passionate

82. Reflective

83. Caring

84. Genuine

85.Open

86..Self-aware

87.Over-Achiever

88.Vivacious

89.Wise

90.Bossy

91.Leader

92.Irritable

93.Kind

94.Calm

95.Healthy

96.Knowledgeable

97.Aggressive

98.Outspoken

"I FRICKEN QUIT!" Death abrputly unplugged his computer. "Too many quesitons...too LONG!" Well, at least I got some of it up. Might still get a few matches...

[.Rabid Lycan.]

Sighing lazily at her computer, Wolfie-wolf rolled her eyes and set about browsing the internet. That is, until, she came across a note on her desk—‘Get an eHarmony account?’ She paused, frowning at the scrap of paper. It was in her handwriting, but… I don’t remember writing this!
Dismissing thoughts of the previous haze of a night, she shrugged and figured that she had nothing else to do. ‘sides, she was single. What did she have to lose?

NAME: Wolfie
GENDER: Female

1. How important is your match's age?
Ages mine to death, so long as they’re fun to be around.

2.Current Marital Status?
Honestly, you don’t want to go into this. I don’t even remember anymore.

3. Highest Level of Education?
I am a fleeping pack Alpha, ya got that?

4.How important is your match's education?
Must be thoroughly edumacated. Or a quick learner.

5. What is your personal income?
Who needs dough when ya got the earthly vibe?

6. How important is your match's income?
Nothing.

7. Describe your occupation
I oversee my own pack, take care of some outsiders and a little kid, and spread the good word.

8. How tall are you?
I’m not.

9. How important is your match's height?
Taller.

10. What is your ethnicity?
Hispanic-white. Obviously. Just look at mah fur.

11. What ethnicities are you willing to accept as a match?
All kinds, brotha.

12. How important is your match's ethnicity?
I do not accept trans-species relationships. Sorry, I just don’t swing that way.

Out of the following, select either not at all, somewhat, or very well as far as how they describe you:
13. Stylish: depends on when I’m sober
14. Attractive: ditto
15. Athletic: are you calling me fat?
16. Overweight: you are, aren’t you?
17. Plain: Personality? No. Fashionable? Well… my fur doesn’t look that bad…
18. Healthy: STOP CALLING ME FAT YOU WHORE!
19. Sexy: excusemeh?

20. How satisfied are you with your physical appearence: Decent unless I’m depressed.

21. How important is it to you that your partner be physically attractive?
Not much, but a studmuffin to call mah own would be a nice cup o’ tea, if ya know what I’m saying.

22. What is you religion?
Lupus Mysticism. Swing by sometime and I’ll tell you all about it.

23. How important is your match's religion to you?
Extremely.

24. I do things according to plan.
Naw. That’s boring.

25. I take time out for others:
Sure, why not?

26. I feel unable to deal with things.
I’m an Alpha. That sorta comes with the job.

27. I love to help others.
Sure, why not?

28. I love adventure.
EPIC ADVENTURES.

29. I often leave a mess in my room.
What room?

30. I often take a conversation to a higher level.
You don’t even know the half of it.

31. I get stressed out easily.
You’re kidding, right?

32. I often make others feel good.
Where I live, that’s a friggin’ guarantee.

33. I'm good at analyzing problems.
Depends on the problem.

34. I stand up for myself.
Ladies don’t start fights, but they can finish them.

35. I can handle a lot of information.
Lolwut?

36. I waste my time.
That is a matter of perspective.

37. I catch on to things quickly.
YES.

38. I usually let others lead the way.
What part of “Alpha” do you not understand??

39. I love order and regularity.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

40. I often do nice things for people.
Sure.

41. I get angry easily.
Naw.

42. Warm.
My body temperature is about 38 degrees Celsius. I AM SIZZLING BABE!

43. Clever.
Lolwut?

44. Ambitious.
A. L.P.H.A. There, I spelled it for ya.

45. Outgoing.
That’s funny.

46. Dominant.
Well, if you want, I’ll be on top… wait, I think I misinterpreted this.

47. Agreeable.
Sure.

48 Submissive.
I love a man who takes charge, too—wait, I did it again.

49. Introverted
These questions really should be made clearer.

50. Aloof
YOU’RE aloof.

Officially irritated beyond belief with the questionnaire that she was unable to continue, Wolfie sat back and enjoyed a nice coca cola while she awaited something to happen.
Or nothing, really. She was sort of taking a nap at this point.

[Sivoncé™]

(ZOMG LOL!!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D )

*DING*
"Holy crud! I've got a match already!" Death did a backflip and landed in a neat sitting position on his chair.
He scanned his potential match's profile, and wagged his tail slightly. "Sounds good, but not sure about the whole relgion thing. Ah, well, I'll give it a try."
He sent an invitation to chat with his potential match over instant messenger

[.Rabid Lycan.]

(( religion is obviously important xD ))

Lolwut?
A little ping noise roused her from her slumber. Wolfie fell out of her chair, countless soda cans flying from her lap and onto the floor. Then, turning on her monitor, she took a minute to glance over his profile.
“…sure, why not?”
She accepted the invitation, logging on to IM.

Wolfie: ‘ello?

[Sivoncé™]

Death blinked nervously at the keypad, did this at the screen , and then nervously began to type.

Hello little lady -- "Nah, too Danceul"
Hey Gurl! -- "Too ghetto"
Hey. --- "Too plain!"
Hey there -- "Too stalkerish."
Hey hey hey! -- "Too eager."
Greetings! -- "Too alien-like."
Bonjour! -- "Too Mexican."
Howdy! -- "Too Southern."

Death continued to blink rapidly at his keyboard, now panting and sweating with the effort of constructing his hello. It has to work this time. It's gotta be good, it's gotta be perfect! No more blind dates with ugly girls who don't understand that normal girls want me! What to do....aw, fuck it! Just go old-fashioned...

Death: Hey! I know Jedi aren't allowed to take girlfriends and all but I just wanted to let you know to not worry cause I'm sith!

That is so badass.

[.Rabid Lycan.]

Despite all the telltale signs that she was either speaking with a psycho who believed this to be true, or a sweet talker with cheesy lines… Wolfie erupted into uncontrollable giggling.
Maybe it was the caffeine.

Wolfie: Oh really? That’s interesting to know.
Wolfie: The Dark Side is always more badass anyway.
Wolfie: Do you own a lightsaber and everything?

[Sivoncé™]

Yes! She totally digs it!

Death: Used to, but I lost it.
Death: Me and my sister rule over Hellfire
Death: It seemed like a good idea to chuck it at someone
Death: New form of punishment, ya know?
Death: I don't know where it went after that.

...

Death: So what do you do in your spare time?

[.Rabid Lycan.]

Wolfie: Ah, I see. Well, at least it was put to good use.
Wolfie: Lemme see… I contemplate life, rule a pack, have fun, and spread the word of Lupus Mysticism.
Wolfie: But you should ask the guru for more details on that.
Wolfie: So, you co-rule Hellfire?
Wolfie: Sounds like a lot of work.
Wolfie: And hot.
Wolfie:

[Sivoncé™]

Death furrowed his brow.

Death: Lupus mysticism?
Death: Like how Blood Mist used to do?
Death: I thought that died out ages ago.
Death: What pack do you rule?
Death: It was actually fun for a while, but technical difficulties happened beyond our understanding and....now everybody's alive again.
Death: Yeah, the fire's hot, but there are hotter things out there

[.Rabid Lycan.]

Wolfie: I bet.
Wolfie: And yeah, I heard about those difficulties; the other day I saw this dude suddenly appear out of a burst of flames.
Wolfie: I thought I was tripping but I hadn’t had any wolfnip that day.
Wolfie: Creepy, no?
Wolfie: I dunno about Blood Mist. Heard they worshiped that Lupus dude.
Wolfie: We worship Lupus’ children.
Wolfie: But, like I said, ask Sandbox. He’s got the prophet vibe.

[Sivoncé™]

Death wasn't really sure what to do. He mad a face at the screen and started typing.

Death: Yeah, they do that a lot, I guess they can reincarnate now
Death: My sis and I thought it'd be cool to try out reincarnation, too, but it didn't work the same for us exactly
Death: And just out of curiousity, what would you do to Lupus' children if you met them? Like....no sacrificial rights or anything?
Death: Cause I don't think Lupus' children would like that. I mean, I know they wouldn't.

[.Rabid Lycan.]

Wolfie: Oh, so you’ve been alive and dead…
Wolfie: Must have some experience.
Wolfie: Sacrafice? LOL.
Wolfie: ‘course not. They’re the messiahs.
Wolfie: We’d invite them over for drinks.

[Sivoncé™]

Death: Drinks?
Death: That sounds fabulous! Ya know, I'm actually a bartender on the side
Death: And I know you've never met me before but...
Death: I think you'd really enjoy my family
Death: Come over and meet them?

[.Rabid Lycan.]

Wolfie: Really?? THAT’S GREAT.
Wolfie: And sure, let’s see here.

“Wolfie!?”

Wolfie: Brb

Wolfie sat up just as Denmark burst into the bedroom. “Are you stealing my computer again??”
“But look, bro, I just met this fantastical guy—”
“Fantastical?” Denmark’s sister-brother senses twitched suspiciously. “Look, you can’t just fall for any guy you see online; he could be a liar, or…”
“He’s a bartender.”
Denmark was suddenly hugging his sister dearly. “You have my permission to marry the man.”
“Erm, he’s asking me to meet his family…”
“SOLD! I’M COMING WITH YOU! OR YOU’LL NEVER USE THIS COMPUTER AGAIN!”
Wolfie paused, and then shrugged.

Wolfie: Can I bring a bit of my family along as well?

[Sivoncé™]

Fertile Crecent wailed from the next room. "But what if I go into labor while you're away!?!?!?!"
Mesopotamia laughed dryly. "It's not like it takes five minutes to plop out a baby! He'll have time to get his butt back over here, stupid!"

Death: kk
Death howled loudly through the...er...house. "DAD! FLAME! RHAIN! GET OVER HERE WE'RE GONNA MEET MAH NEW LADY!" Death found himself mildly nervous at Wolfie's answer, but it was that good, tickly butterfly sort of nervous that you will argue is not good at all cause it drives you insane with flirtacious goodie wonder!

Death: Sure! I'll get out the blender and we can have a drink